another rambling novel.

my mind has been going crazy lately. thinking about.. well just everything i guess. 

everything that needs to come out and should be a blog post but isn't..

but here it all is. dumped out because it needs to be some place other than my mind.

i have so many mixed feelings towards that boy. really that's all there is to it. 

last night i almost wanted to say i wish none of it had even happened. i hated that i loved you. that i let myself give in. that i let myself get hurt... i hated the fact that i really became just another girl. 

i wished none of it happened.. because then you would still just be another person to me. someone whose story i didn't know. but i can't hate you now, i understand everything with her.. well actually i don't know. and i'm not sure you do either.. i don't even know how to say what i'm thinking.. i really am happy. i just wish you would've stuck around as my best friend. like you always promised you would. 

and i really hope that through the next couple years, i won't have to look at you say that was my best friend. that was someone i loved. someone i knew. he promised me so much. and it all fell through.. (unintentional rhyme) i wish i could tell him to come back, and it would really just be that simple. 

i wish i could make everything right for her. and help her realize it's hard sometimes, but life goes on. i feel like what we're going through is the exact same thing. but i honestly know that God has a plan for us, these teenage years are just a small part of the eternal life we're going to live and everything is happening for a reason. 

crying is definitely necessary. and this year, the tears haven't come nearly as often. maybe because the first four months of it i was living in a romance novel.. but even when that all fell apart and tore me apart, i refused to cry. i was independant and wanted to be strong, i'd push it away knowing it will all work out for the better. but last night, i couldn't keep it any longer. crying would be an understatement. carrie underwood and taylor swift all night? basically.. but honestly, after the crying is done, i feel about a million times better. 

i really do love this gospel. without it, there's no way i would survive. the temple has become one of thee hugest blessings in my life, and church is exactly what i need every week. prayer is great. and i truly am so grateful to be born and raised LDS. 

i was curious and clicked this. and maybe it's something a lot of girls or guys need to hear.. 

i don't even know what to do about gymn. well i do.. cause not gonna lie, i'm done. i really can't explain how, or why.. or anything. it's not like other sports that you stick with your entire life. i guess there's a point where either you choose have to choose if it's going to be your life or not, as in doing college and olympics, but for me to reach that i'd have to basically devote my entire life to it. i don't know how to say it, there's just so much more i want to fill my high school years with. 

i really really want to get good at piano again. i miss it so much.. 

i think there's a turning point in your life. when you truly figure things out for yourself. when you learn to rely on God. because some people solely rely on others for their confidence and support.. but they might not always be there. and God is truly the only person that will be.