and she wrote exactly the words i could never find.
I have written and rewritten this post over twenty times and I still cannot seem to get it right.
There are so many feelings and words and knowledge inside of me..but at the same time all I feel is emptiness. A big, black, hole of emptiness. When you place your heart into the hands of a person you want to trust so badly, you are risking yourself a heartbreak. But you still do it regardless, because it is worth it. Then when the final, glossed over truth is discovered-it hurts deeper than you thought it would. Though you knew it would hurt from the beginning. Your trust so full and heightened of love, appears completely forsaken, like a desert without rain.
At first you don't want to believe it. You want that rain back in your life, your sight; your arms. But then reality sinks in and reminds you that can't happen again, at least not for a while. There are too many broken promises and lies and trying to make things seem fine when they're not. The drought must go on until someone else can hold your tattered heart, and fix it.
I have strained to listen to hundreds of soppy love songs and Taylor Swift and all the heartbroken and relatable melodies & lyrics I could find. I searched pinterest and weheartit every single night, for quotes that explain my emotions and show me that others know what I am coping with. But nothing, nothing has described the exact state I am in and what I must do. Or even why I keep saying I'm great and happy whenever I am asked.
Yeah it's high school. Yeah it was and is and will be bound to happen again and again. And yeah I know you all told me so. But you gotta remember that it still hurts every single time, and the pain never really goes away. We just learn to live without the people, or at least the version of people we once knew. You also need to remember that we have weaknesses and we have problems that sometimes cannot be fixed. Things change. But life goes
on and doesn't stop for one minute.
There are so many other people and things and places that have changed me to make me who I am today. I am not perfect, but I am me. And I think that will be good enough, for now.
I've hurt and I've been hurt.
It is not okay what happened, but It will be okay. It will be, okay.
"The man you marry will be one amazing guy, save yourself for him."
I really hope he was right.
Goodnight.
--Mattie.
Here Comes Goodbye- Rascal Flatts
Maybe-Ingrid Michaelson
I Hope You Find It-Miley Cyrus
Lovely-Sara Haze
White Horse-Taylor Swift
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