the honest truth.

i'm done keeping it in. i'm sick of people not understanding. so here it is. i'm sorry it's long. i've kept in a lot. read or don't. but honestly this is how i feel. 

i hung up the phone that night and cried. and cried. and cried. for a long time. i felt terrible. because of what i had done. or atleast what you thought i had. i felt like the worst friend in the world. i didn't know what had been going on and it had never brought up with me. but also knowing that everything i trusted to tell you, maybe i shouldn't have. maybe i opened up and told you things, but so did you. i never intended to hurt anyone. and all your secrets, i've never told. ever. and i never would. 

all i wanted was for things to be right again, for us all to be friends. and for it all to be okay. i said if something's wrong, just tell me. because i didn't like being talked about behind my back. especially when the things being said aren't completely true..

me and you were good, and i talked to her about it, and she was fine too. so we finished out the last week of school. i put it behind us and thought things were back to normal. until we were hanging out one night. when i heard you whisper, "but especially don't tell her.. pleease." as i walked up to talk to you guys. true, that kid had made me really mad that night. but you guys were keeping secrets from me again, and that hurt just as much..

once again, i cried. lots. but i shrugged it off and let life go on. the next week came and we hung out lots. things were great. but then the one day that we were all together again... 

maybe you were just being sarcastic, but sarcasm is like saying, "no offense.. but.." and it hurts just as much. i realized i wasn't wanted, you made it clear. so i decided to go somewhere that i would be. well after much persuading, you convinced me to come along once again. it was fun, we were all friends. and i didn't regret going. 

but remember when i said tell me if there's a problem, so we can work it out. and you won't have to talk about it behind my back? well you took my advice... the conversation started out fine, i understand how that post was offensive, and i really am sorry. i promise it was never directed towards anyone.

but then you decided to go off on everything wrong i had ever done in our friendship. you laid out to me every mistake i'd ever made. how imperfect i really was. it was like being slapped in the face. over and over. i sat there. and i listened. i took it. i tried to explain, but you wouldn't listen so i gave up. and continued to be bashed on. on and on and on. i held back the tears. and i let you go. i thought maybe if i let you get it all out now, things would be better. you seemed to find it funny, but i didn't. i was going to cry any second. i'm not perfect, i realize that but neither are any of us. i could've said a lot but i kept it in. not that i got a chance to talk. i knew it would only make things worse. and i knew if i started talking, the tears would follow. you realized i was going to cry, and tried to apologize. but it was to late. you had already spoken your mind. you had already told me that pratically, i suck at life, and that maybe you'd be better off if we weren't friends. and that was after telling me how dumb my blog was and how many problems it caused. 

i left that night. and once again, i came home and cried and cried. not just that night either. so many times after it too. and after that, i'll be honest it was hard for me to try and act like nothing had happened.. because something did. i know you got your feelings hurt but so did i. it seemed like most the things i've ever said. offended you. so i figured maybe it would be better if we just didn't talk until things simmered down. 

this week, i decided that i needed to let it go. we're best friends. i needed to just put it in the past. it still hurt. but i was going to have to forgive. well, today you made it super clear to me how much fun the two of you have been having together.. without me. i hope you guys are happy now. because that's what we both want. 

even if i'm not yours, you'll always be two of my best friends..