too many tears..

dear grandma.. 
yesterday was really hard for me. and it wasn't what i expected in the least.. 
october 5th came and went and of course i thought of you. it was two years ago that day that you left this world behind. we knew it was coming so it didn't come as much of a shock for me. but as time went on i missed you more and more. 
well, grandpa got married yesterday. we all expected it to happen. and considering it's been a couple of years. we knew it was how he'd be the happiest. she is super nice, but no matter what, she will never be you. and she'll never be my grandma.
as we walked into the room someone said get your tissues! they were kidding and of course we sarcastically responded, old people weddings aren't cute enough to cry during.. they started saying the opening prayer and i felt your spirit so strong. memories of you started flashing through my mind and the tears began to pool. i thought about all these little kids, all my little cousins, how they would never grow up with you as their grandma. lauren and jake barely even knew you.. 
the ceremony began and i couldn't even watch. watch grandpa standing there holding her hands.. all i could think of was how it should've been you. how it was you. however many years ago, knelt across the alter in the temple, sealed for time and eternity. it felt as if it was just being forgotten.. of course i knew he'd never forget, but grandma, you're the only one perfect for him. it just wasn't right.. 
how embarrassing. they're standing there, making their wedding vows. and i'm sitting in the corner an emotional wreck. i lost it. i was completely sobbing and sniffling. trying to contain myself.. not to mention the family pictures in which my eyes are puffy and my face tear stained.. 
i guess everyone else assumed i was just so happy for them, but really i was only thinking about you. i miss you so much grandma. i know in heaven is where you're supposed to be. and that Heavenly Father needed your help up there. but i promise we haven't forgotten you, no matter what i never will.  and more than anything, i look forward to the day that i can see you again.. grandma, no one could ever replace you..  and i love you.


but i believe. so it will all be okay.